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I imagine that if I’d gotten involved in this cash cow it would have been a couple of years ago with a totally unofficial Smurfs movie financed by sketchy over seas money – possibly from Turkey – with a  nefarious hotelier/criminal’s son serving as the producer.

We’d call it The Smurf Movie (instead of The Smurfs Movie) to prevent possible legal action, though serious copyright litigation would hardly be necessary since it would be next to impossible to find a VHS copy outside remote parts of Asia and Europe – that is until some smart ass cult movie expert discovers that the recently deceased (RIP) Bernie Mac’s last role was actually (secretly) Gargamel in the Smurf Movie (Latvia 2008).

The cast would also feature Aubrey Graham, now known as the insanely popular musician Drake, who I would have selected due to his emotional turn as a shooting victim on Degrassi: The New Generation. Graham/Drake plays the movie’s hero, a talented but unknown rapper who stows away on a Hip Hop Cruise (not unlike the OMG Cruise below):

in order to save his girlfriend from a sleazy music promoter. The promoter will be played by Kenne’ West (perhaps an unknown to you) a talented performer who caught my attention with the sultry single “If The Shoe Were On The Other Foot” from Time to Get Loose:

Casting West would be a no brainer for me.

The Smurfs themselves come into play when their little boat capsizes and Graham/Drake saves them. In return they help him out for the duration of the cruise by mostly getting into insane mischief and backing up Drake in a finale rap-off. Gargamel shows up on the scene midway through the movie on a pirate ship that threatens the whole cruise ship with magic.

Unlike the official 3D animated movie coming out soon,The Smurf Movie would feature midgets in blue face and white beards. They wouldn’t wear the white pants and hat (another – unintentional – way of legally separating ourselves from the franchise) and even though the actual Smurfs are completely capable of speech, these creepier embodiments will speak in squeaks, grunts, and movie alien sounds: it will be nightmare inducing!

If this all seems like an unusual take on the cartoon classic, just think of it from a marketing point of view. Why have this:

When you can have this instead: $$$$$$!! Money!!

Posted by: on September 27th, 2010 | Comments (2)
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  • Ashleigh
    2:18 pm on
    September 27, 2010

    Oh wow! I would definitely ask my Russian friend to score me a VHS copy and a T-shirt in Size XXL!


  • Stermer
    8:58 am on
    September 28, 2010

    wow. it’s like troll 2 meets turkish superman. i love it.


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