I imagine that if I’d gotten involved in this cash cow it would have been a couple of years ago with a totally unofficial Smurfs movie financed by sketchy over seas money – possibly from Turkey – with a  nefarious hotelier/criminal’s son serving as the producer.

We’d call it The Smurf Movie (instead of The Smurfs Movie) to prevent possible legal action, though serious copyright litigation would hardly be necessary since it would be next to impossible to find a VHS copy outside remote parts of Asia and Europe – that is until some smart ass cult movie expert discovers that the recently deceased (RIP) Bernie Mac’s last role was actually (secretly) Gargamel in the Smurf Movie (Latvia 2008).

The cast would also feature Aubrey Graham, now known as the insanely popular musician Drake, who I would have selected due to his emotional turn as a shooting victim on Degrassi: The New Generation. Graham/Drake plays the movie’s hero, a talented but unknown rapper who stows away on a Hip Hop Cruise (not unlike the OMG Cruise below):

in order to save his girlfriend from a sleazy music promoter. The promoter will be played by Kenne’ West (perhaps an unknown to you) a talented performer who caught my attention with the sultry single “If The Shoe Were On The Other Foot” from Time to Get Loose:

Casting West would be a no brainer for me.

The Smurfs themselves come into play when their little boat capsizes and Graham/Drake saves them. In return they help him out for the duration of the cruise by mostly getting into insane mischief and backing up Drake in a finale rap-off. Gargamel shows up on the scene midway through the movie on a pirate ship that threatens the whole cruise ship with magic.

Unlike the official 3D animated movie coming out soon,The Smurf Movie would feature midgets in blue face and white beards. They wouldn’t wear the white pants and hat (another – unintentional – way of legally separating ourselves from the franchise) and even though the actual Smurfs are completely capable of speech, these creepier embodiments will speak in squeaks, grunts, and movie alien sounds: it will be nightmare inducing!

If this all seems like an unusual take on the cartoon classic, just think of it from a marketing point of view. Why have this:

When you can have this instead: $$$$$$!! Money!!

In the medieval times, deep in the European forest where Smurf Village lies, “Wimpy Smurf” (a movie only creation voiced by Woody Allen) is whining about how he can never get any attention from the other Smurfs cause he was just showed up by Hefty Smurf at some event during the Smurfy Smurfday celebration. He announces to the village he must journey out on his own and make a name for himself. None of the other Smurfs notice since they are too busy cheering for Hefty. Papa Smurf (poorly cast as Samuel L Jackson) makes an announcement that this is the Smurfiest day ever. Wimpy makes a neurotic self loathing comment and goes off into the woods.

Cut from medieval times to The Medieval Times restaurant in the Meadowlands, NJ. Ben Azul (get it! his last name is Spanish for blue! like a Smurf! genius writing! ; he’s played by a Jesse Eisenberg or Topher Grace type) is whining about how Debbie the hot girl who works as a “photo wench” (played by Mandy Moore with a really bad long bleached blond wig and a bad jersey accent), doesn’t notice him cause she’s “sort of” dating Derrek (the “hot” yet evil in a high school jock kind of way guy who is the green knight in the joust, played by a Chris Evans-type). Ben is a “serving slave” (their wacky name for a waiter) and is serving a rude family seated in the green knight’s section. The obnoxiousness of the father (played by Dan Aykroyd or the guy who played Newman on Seinfeld) is only outmatched by that of the fat tween son, who is constantly farting (to which is dad laughs and pats him on the back saying “that a boy son, clip of the old block”). The mother and sister are outraged by the rudeness of the male members of their family. Debbie gets up to the rude family to take their photo, just as Ben is pouring the son more Pepsi. The green knight wins and gets to put a floral wreath on the head of someone sitting in the green section. Derrek comes over and gives the wreath to Debbie, since he’s got the hots for her and they are “sort of” dating. The father of the family is outraged that it went to an employee and not his wife. He takes a swing at Derrek, but punches Ben instead. Ben, Derrek, Debbie, the father and the son all get tangled in a messy pile during this incident. Sitting next to the family inexplicably is gargamel’s gypsy-witch arch-rival Hogatha (played by Andrea Martin of SCTV fame, with a fake nose and crossed eyes). She is outraged that they are ruining her only night out in the 20th century and that she spent a full 35 bucks on this chicken leg dinner. She screams at them and casts a spell on all 5 of them to which they instantly disappear. The wife and daughter look over at Hogatha and shrug. Hogatha calls for another margarita.

Meanwhile back in Smurf village, Papa Smurf is gathering a group to find what happened to Wimpy Smurf who never returned after he wandered off after Smurfy Smurfday. Cut to the woods where the three teens all dressed in their medieval times uniforms appear in the woods. Confused as to where they are, they come across the wagon of a traveling minstrel and his cat. They asked the minstrel where they are and he asks them if they have seen any tasty… err i mean nasty… i mean charming little Smurfs around. To which Debbie says what’s a Smurf? Derrek says he thinks Smurf is Spanish or something. Ben asks the minstrel to tell them what he’s looking for, to which he flips off his robe revealing the fact that it’s the Smurfs nemesis, Gargamel! Gargamel uses a comically large net to capture the 3 teens. He takes them back to his house in the wagon and once there, places them in a large a cage that is hanging in the middle of his cottage (cause hey, that’s how he rocks). Also in the cage is Wimpy Smurf who, even though he is far smaller than the bars, never figured out he can walk through them. The 3 teens are shocked by Wimpy’s appearance (but oddly not really by the fact they have been transported back in time). Wimpy tells them he was captured by Gargamel and what Smurfs are and how Gargamel wants to melt half the village down and turn them to gold, and he wishes to eat the other half of the village (he’s not to sure why Smurfs turn to gold or why the plan makes no sense either). Wimpy and Ben realize how much they have in common.

Gargarmel comes back from an unexplained absence that was just long enough for Wimpy to tell his story, hungry for Smurf meat, yet still wanting to melt the rest of them down to make gold. Somehow to meet this wish he decides the best way to do this is a make a special female Smurf to lure all the other Smurfs back to his cottage while he cooks Wimpy in the mean time while he waits. So he calls forth a spell he has in a book to turns Debbie into Smurfette and places Wimpy on a kabob stick and starts to prepare the grill. Azrael knocks over some potion that just makes a lot of smoke just has Gargamel is about to grill Wimpy over the fire. Azrael is banished for her foolery, but in the mean time Smurfette, Derrek, Wimpy and Ben all escape into the woods.

Meanwhile the father and son just arrive in this time and somehow come across Smurf village. They are instantly cheered as heroes since the son accidentally found baby Smurf in a barrel of pickles he was about to eat. Having saved baby Smurf from death, the surfs decide to have yet another party, but decide to wait until Papa Smurf and the search party return. The fat kid is bored and sits on the Smurf dam, breaks it, and all the Smurfs get mad since he flooded their town and ask the father and son to leave. They find a cave to which the son barges into and starts farting in it. The dragon who lives in the cave rightfully finds this to be rude, and he eats the son. The father escapes. Azrael befriends the father who wants revenge on the Smurfs, since he inexplicably believes they control the dragon as well. Azrael realizes she can use him to get back at Gargamel.

Derrek is confused by Debbie’s transformation into Smurfette since now both him and Ben still have the hots for a girl who is blue and three apples tall. Derrek actually thinks Debbie is hotter now that she is blue and is constantly making blue balls jokes since Smurfette will not hook up with him. Wimpy and his new friends find Papa Smurf and the search party in the woods, and uh oh, seems like all of Smurf village also has the hots for Smurfette/Debbie. So they decide to throw yet another Smurfvest! Painter Smurf makes Smurferacations, Greedy Smurf makes Smurfberry pies, Brainy Smurf writes Smurfy poetry and Papa Smurf will be at the dunk tank (which would leave room for some awesome Samuel L Jackson lines). At the carnival, Handy, Farmer, Jokey and Clockwork all hit on Smurfette, Ben get quietly jealous and has a meaningful heart to heart with Wimpy while Derrek flips out on them and decides he’s had enough of all this blue dudes trying to get with his girl.

Just then, before any fights can start, Johan and Peewee (played by Daniel Radcliffe and Seth Green) arrive to warn the Smurfs that they have seen Gargamel, Azrael and some weird fat man (the father) heading towards Smurf village. The 3 evil doers must have met in the woods and since the father knew where the village was (and since Gargamel has been there like 100 times but can never seem to find his way back). They all travel there together to do the individually evil plans to the Smurfs. Smurfette had befriended Wimpy and it gives him confidence to tell the others he made friends with a dragon in the woods when he was thinking that it can help them. Just as the evil folks arrive, they are chased out of the village by the dragon breathing fire at their backsides. Wimpy is a hero. At the same time Smurfette/Debbie realizes how much Wimpy is like Ben, giving her feelings for Ben. She gives Wimpy a kiss on the cheek and somehow this magical realization makes her shed a single tear which turns her back into herself. But now the Smurfs are sad. So Papa Smurf turns Derrek into a new Smurfette to replace her. At first he’s like whoa no way, but then he’s totally into it cause he realizes that since there’s only one lady Smurf and 100 males he can get so much Smurf-play. All cheer, and Ben and Debbie ask father time and mother nature (papa Smurf’s friends who even though they are human sized and hadn’t been shown until now, were supposed to be at the carnival the whole time) if they can get back to their time, to which they can’t, but just then, Clumsy Smurf knocks over something heavy onto Ben’s head, making him wake up. Debbie is standing over him since it turns out he fell off a horse since he is now the green knight! Derrek is no where to be seen, Ben looks up at the king’s seat in the theatre where he sees Papa Smurf, Handy Smurf, Wimpy Smurf and Smurfette all sitting on the back of the chair to which they all wink. Wimpy has his hand around the waist of Smurfette/Derrek to which Ben gives Wimpy a thumbs up. Debbie and Ben kiss and the Medieval Time audience, including Hogatha and the mother and daughter applause (although they are not sure what they are clapping at, and they certainly don’t care that the male half of their family never returned).

Cut back to real medieval times where the father, Gargamel and Azrael are all still being chased by the dragon (who is voiced by Drew Carey), to which Gargamel screams “I’ll get those little Smurfs if it’s the last thing I do”. Jokey Smurf walks out over the screen with an explosive present saying “that’s a wrap folks”, which is opens and then it explodes revealing the credits that roll over an amazing cover of “how do you talk to an angel” by Justin Bieber or something off of “father abraham in Smurfland” done by the jonas brothers.

Two human children (played by Justin Bieber and Sara Gilbert in matching outfits), who are outcasts at their school because their parents are scientists, run away to escape the jeering cruelty of their peers.  The children get lost in a dense wood where they are captured by bears.  The bears leave the children in a mud-trap to forage for more human children.  While the bears are away, a group of tiny blue (computer animated) creatures who call themselves Smurfs emerge from the foliage and set the children free.  They take them back to their village and teach them of the Smurfing-Way.  There (in an inspiring montage scene set to the pop song “Climb” by Miley Cyrus), the children learn about tolerance and acceptance. After a Smurfy Initiation Ceremony, they learn to sing the Smurfing-Song that will summon help from all the woodland creatures.

Whilst the children are there, the Smurf village is attacked by the evil wizard Gargamel (played by Colin Farrell) and his cantankerous and wise-cracking cat, Azrael (a computer animation voiced by Ellen Degeneres and pitch-shifted to a lower register).  Gargamel is the sworn enemy of all Smurfs and has in the past sought to eat and/or use the Smurfs in Alchemy experiments.  Now, however, Gargamel wants to use the Smurfs in powdered form to make weapons of mass destruction.  In the chaos, Azrael manages to capture Poet and Jokey Smurf (both voiced by Rob Schneider).

The angered Smurfs, led by Hefty Smurf (voiced by Toby Keith), immediately set out to rescue the kidnapped Smurfs.  Papa Smurf (voiced by Morgan Freeman) warns them not to be hot-headed, but to think and plan carefully.  Some local woodland birds warn the Smurfs of Gargamel’s plans to create weapons of mass destruction and to sell the weapons to Mrs. Balthazar (played by Ian Mcshane).  The children recognize the name and tell the Smurfs that Mrs. Balthazar is a rich and evil real estate developer who wants to level the public housing estate where the children live to erect the largest footwear outlet-mall in the Universe.  The children join the fight and help the Smurfs prepare for battle by teaching them the ways of science. (Another climactic montage scene set to the song “Red Barchetta” by Rush.)

Late that night, disguised as pizza delivery men, the children knock on the door of Gargamel’s castle.  Knowing that Azrael will answer the door and that he has an insatiable appetite for pizza, the children give him three boxes of pizza and many bottles of soda.  They charge a nominal fee to avoid Azrael’s suspicion.  Azrael immediately scarfs the pizza and sodas, but not before recognizing the children’s faces.  Too late!  The pizzas were made of solid baking soda and the bottles were filled with vinegar.  Azrael begins to swell to gigantic proportions and spews tons of white foam that quickly floods the castle grounds.  Gargamel, who is terrified of getting his clothes wet, is left to scream and cower in the highest tower, his once great mind addled by terror.  The tiny army of Smurfs storms the castle and rescues the two captive Smurfs.  On their way out, they deflate the miserable Azrael, who at last sees the evil of his gluttonous ways and says flatly, addressing the camera directly, “I guess ‘fat’ does rhyme with ‘cat’.”

After much rejoicing with the Smurfs, the children return to their own town with a little Smurf magic and a whole lot of confidence.  When the school bully (featuring a cameo performance by Keith Richards) again attempts to administer his usual brand of playground abuse, calling the children “Bunsen burner victims” and “beaker babies”, the children summon the woodland creatures with the magic Smurf-song. The bully is dragged into the forest by muddy bears never to be seen again.  The final scene is of a large dilapidated and almost illegible sign near the children’s housing estate that says “Future home of Mrs. B’s Nasty Shoe Palace”

Off the top of my head I’d say there was another purple smurf epidemic:

and when pretty much all the village is doomed to a race of tail-biting zombies, this appears:

OK,

Here is the actual plot summary of the smurfs movie according to wikipedia:

Set in the Middle Ages, the evil wizard Gargamel (Hank Azaria) discovers the Smurfs’ village and chases them into some woods. The Smurfs get scattered and Clumsy Smurf (voiced by Anton Yelchin) wanders into a “forbidden” grotto and some of the other Smurfs follow. Since it’s also a blue moon, a magical portal within the grotto transports them into Central Park in New York. They take shelter with a married couple (Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays) and try to find a way back to their village before Gargamel finds them.
…..
Jesus Christ. This is funny because I initially thought, “wouldn’t it be a terrible idea to have a smurfs movie set in NY where the smurfs can get into various shennanigans at FAO schwartz, the plaza hotel, 5th ave, and all sorts of landmarks in the city. And the entire soundtrack can be by the Baha Men, heavily featuring their hit ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ but replace “Dogs” with “Smurfs”. Much to my surprise, the teaser trailer is 90% what I thought, except the song is a smurfy version of “Funky Cold Medina”.

Bummer.

Here is my new idea.

It’s the 1860s, The War Of Northern Agression. The confederate army is working on a secret program to develop “Wizard Soldiers” that defeat their enemies with magic. Heading this program is Gargamel (played by Sean Connery, in his Zardoz costume), a two-thousand-year old wizard who’s magical powers have kept him alive through the centuries. Gargamel has been living in the “new world” for quite some time now, amassing a fortune as a tobacco farmer. He is aided by medieval black magic combined with some sort of african voodoo that he has learned from Mrs. Jefferson, his sassy-black-house-slave (played by Betty White in blackface). *Initially, Gargamel’s magic could only be used for potions and agriculture, hence the awesome tobacco, but combined with evil african voodoo, MAGIC CAN KILL.

In the trial stages of Gargamel’s army experiments, many things go wrong in a hilarious montage scene of exploding chemistry experiments and shit. Basically, the filmakers can do a shot-for shot remake of a science experiment montage from “Real Genius”. Unbeknownst to Gargamel, some of his human test subjects (who are also his slaves) develop strange side effects that turn them into little blue “smurfs”. These Smurfs escape from the plantation, and at the same time create the underground railroad.

The Smurfs eventually reach safe haven with the union army, who accept people of all color (even Blue!). Being Gargamel’s creation, the smurfs have some magical abilites that manifest themselves in each smurf’s character (brainy, lazy, grandpa, etc. Collect them all!) The smurfs impress the union generals with their magical abilities and gain an audience with Pres. Lincoln (Ian McKellan). The smurfs reveal Gargamel’s plot to the president, and propose a way to stop it with Smurf magic (New montage scene).

Fast forward 6 months. Gargamel’s wizard army is advancing north. They look sort of like human sized smurfs and harry potter death eaters, but in white, which i guess makes them look like the KKK, but magical. They also shoot lasers from their mouths that turn people into mushrooms. Everyone has been turned into MUSHROOMS!( All of the wizard army scenes are heavy with Wagner music.)

Just as Gargamel is about to capture Washington DC, the Smurfs arrive! (Cue a shitload of Van Halen music) The smurfs are riding giant mushroom harvesters that looklike something out of medieval warfare. Abraham lincoln is with them. These machines suck up mushrooms and grind them into fairy dust that turns Gargamel’s army from fearsome wizards to cuddly kittens.

Gargamel is defeated, but escapes in a magical davinci flying machine with Mrs. Jefferson who has been turned into Azrael the cat.

The smurfs are heroes. There are statues of them everywhere, mount rushmore is mount smurfmore, the statue of liberty is a goddamn smurf, everyone is tripping balls on mushrooms, Kenny Loggins music is blasting.

But Gargamel will return. Probably with the Nazis in WWII.

The End.

Our newest category – Development Hell – is a funny way to share our ideas for movies, tv shows, etc that will never be made. Ridiculously though, a 3D Smurfs movie is getting made (and just in time for the holidays!!). Yes, this is the world we live in.

I asked all our RC contributors to let me know what they would do with a Smurfs movie if they were in charge. Their ideas (with visual accompaniments) will be posted throughout the week. Just a heads up so you know what’s going on.